Work is Wonderful *Insert Sarcasm Here*

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

I dusted off my resume’ today. I haven’t seen it in 5 years, and didn’t figure I’d see it any time soon. Unlike many people I absolutely love my job. It is what I have always wanted to do. I enjoy the people I work with and the problems I have to solve. It’s perfect!

So, why would I dust off my resume’? The 2%.

I’ve worked in the corporate world before, I know how it works. Most of the time it works well. You have competent managers and supervisors who are admired, revered, and sought after. You rarely hear a bad word about them. When you do it is usually a disgruntled employee who hates their job anyway. This group of people make up 98% of the corporation.

That leaves you the 2%. They are the ones who you avoid in the hallways, or who complain constantly about how much they hate their jobs, or the dictators/tyrants who employees do anything to get away from – including quit, walk out, tell them off, etc.

These people can be anyone! They can be your boss, one of your teammates, a co-worker in a different department, janitor, vendor, client, ANYONE! They’re the reason you dread going to work, dust off your resume even when you love your job, seek psychiatric help, suddenly feel the desire to jump in front of train, etc.

I’ve learned these people are the ones who fit the “Golden Goose” persona. They advance in their careers because they have the power to do two things:

1. Chase away talented people because, talented people know they don’t have to put up with it. They will go elsewhere.
2. Walk all over people.

A Golden Goose will lay eggs of discontent, discord, resentment, and frustration but never see it. They move people around like pawns on a chess board. One minute you rule the board with them and can’t make a wrong move. The next minute you’re cornered and every move you make is incorrect. They’ll never tell you though. They prefer the sneak attack method.

They will tell everyone else what they perceive you’ve done wrong. You can’t argue with them because they KNOW they’re always in the right. They don’t realize the reason they’re “always right” is because people have given up. The smart ones walk away shaking their heads. You can’t fight a Golden Goose.

When faced with a Golden Goose you have two options.

1. Try to ignore it and take up drinking.
2. Find a new job quickly.

Eventually you get tired of trying number one and entertain number two. Either that or you commit yourself to the nearest psych ward to prevent committing homicide. Over the years I’ve done really well at ignoring it without taking up drinking. The past year though, drinking has slowly become part of my nights. Coming from a methyphobic it’s a pretty sad commentary on the state of things.

So, I’m dusting off my resume’, evaluating the state of things, and deciding my next move. If the business was doing better I wouldn’t hesitate to walk out. The only problem is I’m not good at quitting. And, I would be hard pressed to find a job I love as much as I love this one.

This truly proves that it only takes one person to ruin things…..

So… I wish you Golden Gooses locked only in fairy-tales, a job you absolutely love, co-workers you don’t need to find places to bury, and a strong will to endure whatever may come your way. We plot our course by OUR choices no one elses.

Note: This post was triggered by an inept co-worker who still, unfortunately, works for the company. I have, thankfully, moved on to bigger brighter things. I feel extremely sorry for those who are under this persons domain. I hope they have great health insurance. I do greatly miss the company and my old job. I loved my boss, direct co-workers, and 99.99% of everyone else. They had all become like family. I do not, however, miss, even the slightest, the one bad apple. Until today…and refinding this post…I hadn’t thought about this person….it was great lol

I pray, cross my fingers, hope you never have to work with a Golden Goose.

Anyway…onward people, onward! :)

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Walking in a Working Wonderland….

Pet Peeve # 420 – Job Searching.

I’m not currently looking for a job. I’m happy where I am…most days. I always have my eye to the horizon though, just in case my ultimate dream job comes along. That doesn’t mean I’m putting in applications or actively searching.

Like most people I have days where I wish I’d win millions and not have to work again. It’s nice in concept but I know me. I would be bored within a week and regret any decision to stop working. I also have days where stress, frustration, and pure irritation drive me to rethink the love of my job. It generally has to do with the picture in my head of how things “should be” and not how they actually are at the time. I re-evaluate, meditate, and smack myself, then get back on track. I’m human after all and people/places/things can get the best of me.

I always hated job searching. It was/is a pain in the ….neck to write up a resume for each job. Cover letters are the bane of my existence which is why I’ve always stuck with a very generic one and just changed a few words. I’m rather good at resume’s, even though I don’t like them. I interviewed for every job I applied for and I thank my resume’ for it.

I spent about a year learning about writing resume’s and how to interview well. Cover letters were of course my weak area so I spent a lot of time on them. I must have been doing something right though while learning. I was actually asked to help teach a class and do mock interviews. I inherited the nickname “Interview Natzi.” It wasn’t given with any malice or anger.

I was given the nickname because I asked the tough questions, made people think, and was a harsh critic of resume’s and cover letters. It was because of that I received a lot of thanks. When the people I worked with went to interview they often said they found it easy and felt relaxed. And the majority of them increased the amount of interviews they received. It felt good to be helping. I sort of miss it at times.

So….why do I have a pet peeve around job searching? It has to do with other people. I have heard people complain about their not being jobs available. In this economy I can definitely understand the lack of jobs. The problem is though, people who really want a job will find a job.

Looking for a job is a job. If you’re not out there every day applying for jobs, then you’re not going to find one. If you’re not actively searching you’re going to miss the job which could have been perfect for you.

Don’t say you’re going to look for a job and use only one resource. Searching online is good but it is not the best place to find a job. Most towns/cities have resources for finding jobs. There are temp agencies you can sign up with who will let you know about jobs. They’ll call you in most cases.

Pick up a newspaper daily, drive around town and look for help wanted signs, apply at the places you go the most often, get out of the house and actively look for a job! Wanting a job and sitting at home every day is NOT going to get you a job. An employer is not going to show up at your door and offer you a job. You have to work to find a job – work being the key word!

When people tell me they can’t find a job, and then follow it up with, “Well, I applied for one but haven’t heard back.” My mind immediately jumps to “Lazy!” Don’t tell me you want a job and then give me excuses why you aren’t actively looking for one. Excuses tell me you really don’t want a job.

Working is part of life – get used to it! If you expect someone else to take care of you for the rest of your….you’re deluding yourself if you think they’re going to. It will become a point of contention. You’ll find yourself needing a job quick when they decide they’ve had enough.

If you use the excuse you can’t find the job you want, or are qualified for, you’re missing a very important fact – employers hire people who are employed. The job you may be qualified for may not take a second look at you if you don’t have employment history which fits their criteria.

No one wants to work a job they don’t want but, that job may be the stepping stone to the job you do want. I’ve worked jobs I really didn’t want. For instance – I spent a year cleaning dog kennels and working with a devil of a boss. I hated it!! However, I never gave up my search for the job I wanted. I sent out resume’s, picked up applications after work, and called on other jobs. It wasn’t long before I received another job offer which paid more, and had the hours I wanted.

I accepted the job but found I wasn’t well suited for it. The main reason was…. it was working at a pizza place. Do you know how hard it is to knead dough when you have long acrylic fingernails? Needless to say it didn’t work out well. I worked there for about a week. But….during that week I received another job offer. If it wouldn’t have been for the new job offer I would have cut my nails to continue working at the pizza place. It would have been out of necessity but you do what you have to.

Now, I should add in here that prior to the kennel job I was out of the work force for three years due to medical reasons. Three very long, very boring years. So, when I started looking for work again I had high hopes. I applied for every job I was qualified for….receiving interviews but never getting hired. I changed my tactics. I applied for everything!! That is how I ended up with the kennel job.

I speak from experience when I say apply for anything, and finding the next job will be easier. The best example I have is when I returned to the job force and kept searching. Let me tell you how it went….

I started at the kennel job, worked there for a year but kept applying for jobs. Let me add here I did not apply for jobs the whole year I was at the Kennel. I started applying somewhere within the last six weeks I was there. So…I was at the kennel for a year, the pizza place a week, then a cash advance place for two weeks, and then moved on to where I currently work.

It was just that quick. During that time I did ask each employer if, when hiring, job history mattered and just how much. I got the same answer each time – it matters a lot! It means the person is willing to work. No job history, or sporadic job history, laziness immediately creeps into their mind. It is human nature after all.

I can’t say I blame the employers for their thought process. If I was hiring I would have the same thoughts. Give me someone with a track history of working any day. Someone without a work history and questions start to pop into my mind – are they just plain lazy? Are they trust worthy? Do they have other issues – drugs, alcohol, attitude problems, trouble with authority? Are they hiding something, or hiding from something? The list goes on and on.

I know people do have valid reasons for not working. When I couldn’t work due to medical reasons, it was valid. It was a choice between working or living. I chose living. Disabilities often keep people from working. In most cases I understand but… I know a lot of people with disabilities who work. They may only work part time, but they do work. I admire those people. They don’t let their disability control their life.

I once had a doctor tell me to file for disability because of the severity of my bi-polar disorder. Not to mention the PTSD and anxiety/panic disorder. It took me two seconds to tell them they were nuts! My brain worked, my hands and feet worked. I was capable of doing hundreds and thousands of things. I was rather ticked off at their suggestion. My attitude kicked in and ‘I just HAD to show them!’ my disorders were not going to stop me from living.

I’m a bit stubborn I guess you’d say. Thing is though, I’ve never once regretted my decision to not file for disability. I saw it as the easy way out. Sure, I could have done it but…. I wouldn’t have only been cheating myself but wasting the governments money.

Granted my brain doesn’t function as great as it use to – not from lack of trying! It tends to get a bit fried when you die. I lost a large chunk of my childhood and have gaps in other areas. There’s just no way I’m going to let a doctor tell me, “You are going to have to relearn a lot of what you use to know, and there are going to be some memory damage.”

They were partially right – my short term memory sucks. It takes me a little longer to access my long term memory than I like – I’m working on that though. I also lost the number 7…at first. When I’d count to ten my mind would go: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10. The number 7 just didn’t exist. I kept trying to put the number 1 in its place when I’d see numbers. It was awesome!

I can live without memories I’ve forgotten – to me they just never existed and people fill me in when I don’t remember. I know my short term memory sucks so when I really have to remember something I repeat it multiple times. When I need to access my long term memory I have patience and let the information come to me.

What I’m trying to say is – with all of my challenges I refuse to go quietly into submission. I would rather not work. If I didn’t have to I would find things to occupy my time. The thing is though, I want to work. Where else can I find weird people, free entertainment, and a never ending supply of stories?

Having a job isn’t about working. Yes, you have to perform the tasks required of you but if you only focus on those tasks you miss the greatest part of what working means. You get paid to hang around with wonderful people!!

People who don’t want to work are missing out on a whole other world. I feel sorry for them in that aspect. I don’t however feel sorry for them if they’re complaing their lifes are boring, they never have any money, they can’t do this or that, or….just about anything they complain about.

Anyway…that is my take on my 420th pet peeve.

So…for today I wish you a new perspective on the world. The ability to see things with wonder, a smile, and perhaps a bit of laughter. If you can’t laugh at the things we see as mundane, forced upon us, or drudgery then I fear for your sanity. Life should be an adventure but….YOU have to make a choice – will it be, or won’t it be?

And on that note….goodnight my friends!

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Bad, Bad, Boss!

I always manage to find the perfect article to go with my current thoughts. Today is no exception!

Over the last month or so I’ve been evaluating a certain “co-workers” sporadically chaotic behavior. I’ve always secretly believed I need psychiactric help but I’ll be honest…this co-worker is hitting the brink of needing to be admitted! If I were the only one currently thinking this I would question my sanity (as usual) but I’m not alone.

So, running across this article…..perfect timing!

The Office: The Bad and the Ugly
by Leigh Buchanan
Wednesday, January 30, 2008

There’s a reason Dilbert, The Office, and their ilk are so popular. Satire gets old fast, but the appeal of realism endures. And the real world, sadly, is full of lousy bosses. Someone ought to do a study on where these louts come from. Were they abused by their own bosses? Did they toss overboard the ballast of human kindness to hasten the ascent of their career balloons? Or is this an example of absolute power corrupting absolutely? Such research might also demonstrate how ubiquitous miserable managers are. The proliferation of boss-bashing screeds with titles like When You Work for a Bully, Nasty Bosses, and How To Work for an Idiot suggests a plague.

A few months ago I enumerated five ways in which bosses could be great. A bookend column about bad bosses would never fit in this space, because while goodness tends to be monochromatic, badness comes in every color of the rainbow. But bad bosses of all stripes evoke similar responses in employees; consequently, you can often tell that people hate you, even if you’re not sure why.Inc. readers, of course, are all purebreds among top dogs. But on the off chance that a misfit manager stumbles across this page, here are seven signs that you are a bad boss:

1. The staff has developed guidelines for dealing with you and quietly passes them to new employees. “Never suggest that there might be another way of doing something,” they might say. Or “Act self-deprecating so he doesn’t feel threatened.”

2. You have one or two fanatical acolytes. Yes, such devotion may be a testament to your fabulousness. But often when a boss is perceived as universally loathed, the staff opportunist offers herself up as sole confidante and friend, seeking power and favor at the expense of more honest, critical employees.

3. You never see people walk by. Employees would rather circumnavigate the entire office to get to the coffee machine or bathroom than take the shortcut past your door and risk being invited in.

4. Your 360-degree evaluations come back short and full of generically positive comments, with one very mild criticism (“Sometimes she works too damn hard for her own good”) thrown in for credibility’s sake.

5. People don’t volunteer for your pet projects. The idea sucks, and they’re afraid to tell you, or it’s brilliant, but the consequences for letting you down are too terrible to imagine. And, of course, if it’s your pet project, you’ll probably work on it as well. Which means more time spent…gulp…with you.

6. You have legions of former employees, but they rarely give your name as a reference for new jobs. Either they don’t trust you to give them their due, or they worry that because they were so miserable working for you, your recollections will also be dismal.

7. You have legions of former employees, period. If your staff falls away like linty Post-it notes, ask yourself: Is high turnover the problem? Or am I?

Scary thing is all 7 of these fit!!! lol

I really feel sorry for the people enduring this boss. So, many have jumped ship all for one reason….a very bad boss.

So….for tonight, I wish you great bosses, the kind you wouldn’t trade! The luck of finding the perfect job, in the perfect place, with the most fantastic co-workers. Working is part of life. It is not the end-all-be-all of life and there should be some joy in the adventure. When you see the effects of a bad boss…do what you can to make life easier for those who have to endure the torment.

Good luck my friends and Goodnight!

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What They Don’t Say….

I have a vested interest in my future. I’ve always disliked that phrase. Vested interest always sounds like I’m trying to clothe an abstract idea. When what I really have is a desire to know my job, do my job, and retain the desire to remain at my job.

Granted, everyone has bad days. There are days changing jobs is so incredibly tempting. You always have to think about a few things when you have those thoughts –

1. Will you be able to find a job equivalant to your current one.
2. Do you really want to learn new processes, new names, new issues, new problems, new…everything.
3. Will things really be better if you change jobs.

I have learned one thing in my….years of working. The one main reason I want to leave a job has little to do with the job itself. It has even less to do with the company. It does, however, have a lot to do with the people I work with daily.

I will be the first to admit the days I think about switching jobs is directly related to people. The reason I wish to stay at a job, and see a long term future, is also related to people. Who we work with, how they act, is directly related to our enjoyment.

I will also admit I don’t trust people. When I don’t trust someone I lose all respect for them. When I lose respect for someone they don’t earn it back easily. More often then not, they never earn it back. People don’t change their core behaviors without earth shattering events.

Having said that… I ran across an article which I found rather refreshing. It is far more accurate then many of the articles I’ve read. There are many things we’d like to say to bosses, and other employees, but don’t. Saying that… I have one main person in mind. Thankfully that person is not my current boss, or fellow teammates.

I do wish this one person would run across the below article. I would hope if they did they would truly take it to heart. And, I know I’m not alone in this thought. I’m betting you know someone as well. So, on with the article! Thanks goes to Jeff Haden for a great article, and Yahoo for posting it!

7 Things Employees are Thinking – But Won’t Say
By Jeff Haden
Monday, June 13th, 2011

We all use filters, especially when we communicate with people above us in the corporate food chain. (Show me an employee who tells his boss everything on his mind and I’ll show you an employee soon to be fired.)

Sometimes a little verbal restraint is a good thing, but it can keep you from understanding what employees really think — and more importantly need.

Here are 7 things employees are definitely thinking but will never say:

“Give me an important task and I know you respect me…” Assigning a critical task to an employee is a definite sign of respect. The more important the project and the bigger the impact if the project succeeds — or fails — the greater the implied respect. But why stop there?

“…but give me an important task that I have to figure out and I know you trust me.” As a leader, it’s natural to tell employees how to carry out a particular task. After all, you know what needs to be accomplished and have definite ideas regarding how. Assign a project without extensive direction or outlining a series of steps and employees instantly know you not only respect their abilities but also trust their creativity and judgment. Feeling respected is great; feeling respected and trusted is awesome.

“In fact, I would like to stay here my entire career.” Job-hopping statistics get a lot of attention. For example, the average baby boomer held an average of 11 jobs between the ages of 18 and 44. Lost in statistics is the fact most people don’t leave for more money; most leave a job because of a poor relationship with a boss. Don’t assume high employee turnover is a fact of employment life. Find out why employees want to leave and address those issues. Employees don’t start checking employment ads unless you give them reasons. Few people look forward to the upheaval and stress of starting a new job unless the old job — and old employer — was terrible.

“I appreciate that you stopped to talk… but can’t you see it gets me behind?” While especially true in production environments, this applies everywhere. The boss stops by to “talk,” monopolizes the employee’s time… and when the boss walks away the employee is left to catch up on their work. Employees want you to talk to them but they have work to do, too. In some settings there’s an easy fix, especially if the job involves physical tasks: Just help out while you talk. Not only will the employee appreciate the mini-break, chatting will be a lot less forced. Otherwise pick your spots. If nothing else, never interrupt a busy employee just because your calendar says it’s time to wander the floor and grace the staff with your presence.

“I don’t care about your personal life…” Talking about non-work subjects is a good way to establish rapport and a basis for a personal relationship, but what do you talk about with someone you don’t know well? Many bosses naturally default to talking about themselves (just one of the symptoms of Lead Singer Disease, or LSD.) Bad move. Employees — new employees especially — have no interest in your kids, your hobbies, or your vacation plans. They would much rather hear how they’re performing.

“…and I can tell you don’t care about my personal life.” Questions like, “How’s the family?” or “Any plans for the weekend?” or “How ’bout those Steelers?” are clearly forced, at least to the employee. That’s especially true where longer-term employees are concerned. If over time you can’t get to know an employee well enough to have slightly meaningful conversations, don’t try. Stick to work-related topics. Think of it this way: Put the same effort into getting to know your employees that you would into getting to know a key customer and you’ll be fine.

“Would it kill you to say “thanks” once in awhile?” I know. Employees are paid to do a job. Thanks comes in the form of their paycheck. True but incomplete. Find specific reasons to thank employees for what they do. Look for accomplishments, no matter how small, and express appreciation. “Thanks for staying a few minutes late yesterday.” “Thanks for figuring out how to get the order shipped on time.” “Thanks for letting me know about that database problem; if you hadn’t told me we who knows how long we would have kept having issues.” Saying thanks is easy — and is a great conversation starter.

Final thought: Where employee conversations are concerned, always apply a 4:1 ratio. Make sure the employee speaks four times as much as you do.

When you do, you’ll be surprised by what you hear — and by the relationships you’ll build

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

To the bosses of the world learn, research, become the best boss possible. Ask employees what you do well, what you can do better, what they really think of you – and don’t retaliate if you don’t like their answers. Give your employees the ability to surprise you with their brillance, talent, and ability. They can’t become great without the opportunity – and if they screw up, remember, at some point so did you! Have faith in the people you work with and always eveluate your own behaviour. If you wouldn’t want to see it in someone else, don’t do it yourself. Everyone has the ability to be great, even wayward bosses, they just need to be given the chance and the feedback. And remember, if you lose someone’s respect you may never get it back – you may end up standing alone.

And on that note…

Goodnight my friends!

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Why Stress it is…how did you know??

Wow! It has been crazy! I don’t remember the last time I actually set down to write. And I don’t mean editing a previously, slightly written post that sat in waiting for… a couple of months. I mean actually starting from scratch, no direction in mind, just simply…writing. It has been a while. I’ve missed it.

Work has become my main focus. So much so that it has stressed me out to the point of not sleeping. It has been a battle. Even the nice little night meds who lull me gently to sleep each night have failed to do their job.

I know it’s not the meds failing me, it is honest to goodness stress and lots of it! Stress at being sure I’m testing this, retesting that, giving the right information, answering all the questions, keeping things under budget, getting all my every day work done and everything new that comes in. It can be…. stressful.

There is no other word for it. Stress, stress, STRESS! It has tightened my muscles, and disrupted my life. The truly horrible thing is…I love every minute of it! Okay, maybe not the sleeplessness but being busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest…yes, I love it! I adore it! I live for it!

I must truly be psychotic! Someone admit me now! Just, don’t tell my boss you’re admitting me. She’d likely end up right next to me.

I talk a lot about my job, being a work-a-holic it is inevitable. I can’t complain about it, as much as I would like to. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am. I haven’t done it by myself. I have, thankfully, had people pushing me, supporting me, and teaching me the whole way.

I have earned my position though. If it wasn’t for the hours I’ve put in, the questions I’ve asked, the drive to succeed; I wouldn’t be where I am. Because of that, I can not wait to help someone replace me so I can move on to my next position.

I love learning, mainly so I can teach someone else what I’ve learned. I never had the desire to be a teacher. Not of children anyway. Give me adults and I’m great. Children….we just don’t see eye to eye.

I use to teach HTML for a local group. I taught veterans computer basics for a while as well. I loved it. In a previous job I did all of the training for the software we were developing. That was a lot of fun also. In fact, I am off to do training for this current project in a few weeks. I’m looking forward to it but I’m scared to death!

Teaching is a blast, once you get started. It is that first day, first class, first session, first second that keeps my stomach in knots. Once I know the personalities of the people I’m training, I know how to approach the teaching. I probably have to much fun when I’m training but thankfully it tends to be contagious.

So, I look forward to what is coming, glad for what is, and will continue to be stressed. Life can be perfect sometimes!

The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.

~Elbert Hubbard~

For tonight, I wish you lives of authenticity, truths you know from your core out, and the wonderful knowledge of who you truly are. Life is ultimately easier when the person we’re closest to is ourselves. Fight to be true to ourself, life will fall into place.

Goodnight my friends.

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Therapy, Machines, and Peopling.

Yesterday….yesterday I crashed. I completely fell apart. Not because I lost anyone, or anything. It was stress, pure and simple. Well, not so simple.

Yesterday, the world rushed at me with the speed of a bullet train. I couldn’t duck, swerve, jump, or run away. I stood there looking straight into its headlight thinking, “This is it, and I’m not going to back down!” I didn’t back down, instead I got my ass ran over like a penny on a railroad track!

I was dazed, confused, and temporarily insane. On top of that… I had my first cigarette in almost 8 years. I’m not proud of it, and don’t plan on having another one, ever! Yesterday though, it was all I wanted…needed. Sad thing is, it helped.

If having a cigarette wasn’t bad enough, I snapped at my boss. I have never done that…ever! I don’t care how angry I’ve been AT THEM, I’ve never voiced it. Worse yet, I snapped at her, and I wasn’t angry AT HER. At that second I knew two things – I didn’t care and I didn’t feel bad about it. Madness had set in and for that moment, I knew Poe would be proud.

The stress has been building. I’ve been watching myself fight it, knowing I couldn’t win. Standing outside of myself, shaking my head, wishing I could smack myself upside the head with the proverbial cast iron skillet. It wouldn’t knock any sense into me but part of me would feel better.

You see, I love my job. You already know that, so I’m not telling you anything new. But, did you know, I’m a work-a-holic? Nasty words, I know. I can’t help myself. I am, for all intents and purposes, completely business oriented. That is my downfall.

I see every job as a challenge. A challenge to reach that next job – the job I really want. In every action, in every, in every deed, my mind is playing a broken record. It is constantly asking, “Will this get you where you want to go?” Problem is, I am where I want to go. I have the job of my dreams. Well, almost.

I know I have the talent and ability to go further. The more I learn – and in every job I make sure I know absolutely everything I can – the more I need to know. It is a vicsious circle. Part of my stress factor. I hate not having the answers. I get so incredibly irritated with myself if I don’t have the answers when someone asks me a question. I know….no one can know it all. My therapist repeated said the same thing… I didn’t listen then either.

It’s my own version of OCD. The more I know, the more I need to know, the more irritated I get for not knowing. Welcome to my hell. Then add a large tablespoon of being a Work-a-holic, shake well, and be surprised I don’t crash more often.

Anyway, after crying myself to sleep the second I got home…I seriously wondered if I could set foot back in the office. I contemplated all the things I could do if I walked away. I could make my teas and herbal remedies. Candlemaking would be fun and allow my creative side to see daylight again. I could write, my poetry is rusty and I haven’t won an award in two years. I could take up my Art in America cause full time, or actually see the outdoors for more than 15 minutes a day.

It all sounds so good but…. every time I think about getting away from computers my life goes South. It took me almost ten years to figure that out. I’m just not happy without the infernal machines challenging me daily. What does that say for my sanity?

I choose machines over people. A therapist would ask me what I’m running from. That’s an easy answer – I’m running from people, duh! I’m not good with people – especially when stressed. When you can’t dance, you don’t dance. I can’t people, so I don’t people. Simple logic.

I guess, in the larger scheme of things I did learn something. I’m human. I fall apart, just like everyone else. I get overwhelmed, just like everyone else. And now and then, I watch myself overcome by insanity. I guess life is perfect – perfectly flawed – and I’m okay with that.

For now, I wish you moments of clarity in the middle of madness, bosses who understand being overwhelmed, and the good sense to know when to surrender.

Goodnight my friends.

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Stress Level: Critical

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

I have reached “Stress Level: Critical” as of today.

I’d take up drinking if I didn’t have a phobia of becoming an alcoholic. Smoking is out too – it killed me once, literally, and everyone who watched me go through that hell would literally kill me if I picked up a cigarette. Sort of heart warming when you really think about it but, doesn’t leave any room for bad vices.

I’ve tried meditation, it works, but it doesn’t have the same outlet as smoking and drinking. I mean seriously, you can’t break anything or rant and rave while swinging a lit cancer stick. Meditation really leaves something to be desired in the “blowing off steam” catagory. I guess it’s a good thing… less dangerous. Less chance of being arrested but, sometimes…. you need a more destructive outlet.

I’d go back to fighting but I’m not the “bad-ass” I was once. I’d probably be laughed out of the dojo now. Master Yoon would be so disappointed! All those hours spent kicking my ass up one side of the dojo and down the other. He was hard on me but… I was the best in the Acadamy. Dang those were the good old days. Now…my medals are tarnished and I’m doing good to tie my shoes.

So, what has me so stressed? Well, where do I begin?

I have a backup server that went heywire in July when the production server went down. Took six weeks to get the production server back up and running. Logic would say once the primary is back up you fix the secondary….right? Well, no one seems to know what is wrong with the secondary. It went down Tuesday, again.

Then, to top it all off, the primary server is having issues…again. We can’t fail over to the secondary…because it doesn’t work. That stresses me out quick. But…

We’re also in the middle of a big project. We’re a head of schedule on parts of it – great news right? No reason to stress there..except… the server issue(s) is at the point where it is going to be holding up the project.

I have issue after issue pouring in right now. I can’t keep up. I have a programmer who’s hit “Stress Level: Critical” as well. A program we needed installed didn’t install correctly…now we’re not sure it will. We may need a developer called in. We still don’t have the network resource we requested two weeks ago. The networking part is going to hold up the whole project…it always does. It’s a given.

The client is coming to town next week. That alone stresses everyone out. Great client, great group of people, but everyone stresses because they’re taken out of their daily routine. I’m stressing because the last time the client came to town – in July – the servers went down. I’m beginning to see a pattern. I wonder if we can ban the client from visiting for the sake of the servers? Ya, I’m laughing at the thought too.

I know, how about a list of why I’m stressed?

1. Primary Server – having issues with the file system
2. BackUp Server – down for the count, someone call an ambulance
3. Stressed Programmer – very talented programmer at that…
4. Big Project – possibly going to be held up by servers
5. Big Project – tons of work to do and not enough time
6. Problems – Issues being reported left and right
7. Client – coming to visit, hang out, always enjoyable but there goes routine
8. Second Large Project – another project in the works, affects existing project and other new project
9. Third Large Project – not as large as the existing and new but still large enough
10. Client Conference – not a real fan of traveling these days and…I have to much work to do for any type of fun – and client conferences = fun.
11. Travel – travel in two weeks and then three weeks after that…
12. Large project #2 deadline is December…
13. All that personal junk that interfers with work….

Stress Level: Critical is that sink or swim moment people talk about. I’ve never been good at sinking. I always make it through and come out on top. But now and then… the water gets a little deep and there is no land in sight.

So… I’ll do what I always do, meditate. You can meditate to Alice Cooper’s “Poison”, right?

For tonight, I wish you a stress relieving hobbie that brings you peace, an outlook brighter then the darkness you encounter, and moments of clarity amidst the insanity of life. When you’re drowning in an ocean of water, remember you can’t see the land because you’re standing on it.

Goodnight my friends!

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Curious Case of Confusion

Another day passes and I have to wonder…..what did I do today?

I’m use to losing Tuesday every week, but lately, I’m not losing days…they’re just never ending. I know I get weekends off…sometimes…but I don’t remember them. Every day seems to meld into the next. July and August have become one month – Julgust? Nah, not comical enough.

Work has started taking up more of my life. It is why the days never end. I walk away from the office but … my mind stays there. Sad thing is, I enjoy the fact that my days are so busy they run together. Unfortunately, it also makes me feel old when I’m at odds as to whether I can keep up.

Add the fact that my now hectic schedule is only going to get worse… and I start to question my sanity. Why am I doing this? What do I really get out of it? Well…the why is easy…you can’t live without money. And, if I’m going to work to make money, the best job to have is the one you love. As for the what… I get a true sense of accomplishment.

In almost two years I’ve learned a lot of things. Learning is a must in my book. I can not survive a day without learning at least one thing. Whether it’s something as simple as someones view point on a subject, or as complex as quantum mechanics. I have to read. I have to learn. I have to try. I have to always be curious!

“Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly.”

~Arnold Edinborough~

I have a theory – it revolves around intelligence. I believe everyone is equally intelligent. We are all capable of learning the most amazing things. The people who appear vastly more intelligent than the rest, simply applied themselves more aptly.

You’ll argue that there are those who are learning challenged. I would agree (I think I work with some…). But… challenged or not, they still learn! They simply learn slower. We can not discount them or limit what they can learn. We simply have to understand how the learn, and at what speed.

I find myself referring to people as idiots, mentally challenged, stupid, etc. Usually when I’m having a bad day and being bombarded with one issue after another. Stress causes me to be less than kind. Generally, I rein myself in with a quick kick in the butt. Complicated to do when it’s your own butt you’re kicking…

I remind myself of my theory, and my blessing. I’m blessed with the ability to learn faster than many. A blessing I put to use everyday. I can’t say I apply myself more, because I don’t. I simply have an overactive sense of curiousity and a need to know.

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.”

~Albert Einstein~

For tonight, I wish you curiousity in everything you do, understanding and temperance when impatience and frustration take front row, and the ability to rein yourself in before someone else needs to.

Goodnight my friends.

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Speak Geek to Me!

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

I love to listen to geek speak. As odd as it my sound the geek language is soothing. Now…before you go correcting me, thinking I mean Greek instead of Geek – I mean Geek.

The never ending acronyms spoken by geeks is music to my ears. Whether it’s simple acronyms – HTML, XML, IP, HTTP, etc. or more complicated ones – MANIAC, NTFS, OOPS, ORACLE, USART, VINES, etc. there is just something fun to it all. Although, I have to admit, after listening to enough geek speak the complicated has become simple.

I had an occassion to listen to geek speak tonight – an occassion of 5+ hours (so far). And, while I enjoy the geek speak, I’m not always fond of the hours at which I hear the geek speak. At 2 a.m. in the morning – I can think of things I’d rather be doing.

For example:

1. I’d rather be in Bora Bora lazily watching the tide wash away bits of sand while I sipped my tall fruity drink. Non-alcholic preferrably…
2. I’d rather be concentrating heavily on the back of my eyelids!
3. I’d rather be curled up in my refrigerated room, covered with mountains of blankets, listening to Chopin, while I drift off to sleep.
4. I’d rather be dreaming of the winning lottery numbers for tonights lottery drawing. Although, every time I dream of the winning numbers…they never win. Maybe I should rethink this one…. ?
5. I’d rather be contemplating the time space continum, string theory and how I could make weekends last 7 days, and weeks last 2.
6. I’d rather be imagining my ex-husband in a gorilla suit, dancing with a purple orangutan, while wearing high heels. Although, he has his own natural gorilla suit that he can’t take off, so this isn’t much of a stretch.
7. I’d rather be trying to read my youngests mind to find out what he wants for his birthday – since he won’t tell me!
8. I’d rather be planning my tomorrow (or today in this case) so I know how I can possibly get all my work done without a psychotic break.
9. I’d rather be questioning the universe on why we weren’t given magick wands, starting at the age of 30. Billionaires and Millionaires should of course be excluded from receipt of these wands.
10. I’d rather be enjoying a nice peaceful night at home. A simple but powerful statement.

Instead I’m sitting in the office, at 2 a.m., listening to the soothing sounds of geek speak. A pillow and a blanket would make it all the more wonderful. I’m sure the geek speak can drift on the breeze without me.

Tomorrow (today) I see another long day a head of me. I will however look forward to the short trip home and finding my bed early.

For tonight…today…this morning… I wish you simple pleasures, a list of “I’d Rathers” that you never have to use, and the sweet sleep of angels. The days, or nights, are only as great as we allow them to be.

Goodnight…morning…my friends!

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I D 10 T Error

I have to admit I’ve been a computer geek since the day I discovered computers. I also have to admit that I’ve fought hard to run away from computers. You might ask why someone would try to run away from something they obviously enjoy – it would be a valid question. My answer…..

When you’re a plumber everyone immediately understands your job. You tell someone you’re a carpenter, and they get it. A truck driver, a secretary, construction worker, bank teller, salesman, customer service, police officer, etc., everyone knows what it is you do. Well, they at least have a pretty good idea.

When you tell someone you work with computers, especially if you attempt to go into details, you get the deer in the headlight look or, my favorite, “Oh, that’s nice.” Unless you run into another computer geek who speaks your language, you’re pretty much out in the cold when it comes to conversations about your career.

Every job I have had which revolved around computers left me feeling like an outsider at family get togethers. Then I realized it wasn’t just my job, it was my family. Throw in my job and it only got worse.

My family is full of secretaries and blue collar workers. They are hard working, honest, and inspirational people. Being a computer geek amongst them is comical and difficult. Computer geek jobs generally come with a title. It’s usually a title that doesn’t clearly describe what you do at all. I mean seriously, the titles are such things as:

Developer – what are we developing, film, might as well be.
Software Analyst – What exactly is an analyst? And to the layman, why would software need analysed? It’s just supposed to work!
Programmer – Again, say that to the layman and the deer in the headlight look prevails! Try any attempt at explaining it and people break into a dead run to get away.

And the list gets better:

Software Developers
Web Developers
Architects
Software Engineers
Systems Analysts
Systems Engineers
Business Analysts
Quality Assurance
Systems Programmers
Systems Administrators
Network Administrators
Network Engineers
Web Masters
LAN Administrators
WAN Administrators
Storage – SAN Administrators
Infrastructure Analysts
Technical Consultants
NOC Specialists
Disaster Recovery Specialists
Wireless Communications
Telecommunications
Datacommunications
Security Specialists
Database Administrators (DBA’s)
Database Analysts
Data Modelers
Datawarehouse Architects

You get the picture. There are so many titles, and many of the titles mean the same thing – Software Engineer, Software Developer, Programmer – they’re all code monkies!! Why can’t we just say that?

If we really want to get technical (pun intended) why don’t we call the whole geek squad Problem Solvers? Isn’t that what we all do all day long? The technically challenged come to us everyday, with issues they’ve usually caused or technology they don’t understand, so we can “fix it.”

The phrase we hear most often – “I don’t care how it works, just fix it.” Best of all, when these technically challenged come to us with a problem, we’re supposed to understand them. Things like, “Well, I clicked this and it just sort of freaked out on me,” or, “I went to use it and got an error.” Error messages are great, we as geek squad actually understand them but, rarely do technically challenged write down the error message, or pay attention to it in any form. Seriously people, error messages aren’t put there just to annoy you. Clicking “Ok” to see if the program “will work now” does not help us resolve the issue any faster.

One of my biggest pet peeves, people who submit a problem and then want a status every five minutes. We work faster if you give us at least ten minutes in between visits to our desks. We want to solve your problem, we want to fix it, we want to be polite to you but, if you irritate us…we’ll take even longer to look into your problem, and probably won’t fix it until next week.

I love my job, I love the people I work with, I love problem solving, I am not fond of the technically challenged. I have come to terms with being a geek for the rest of my life. I no longer try to run away or dream of jobs where computers don’t exist. And when asked what I do for a living, I will continue to say, “I work with computers everyday because they haven’t found a monkey to replace the one who had a nervous breakdown.” It at leasts gets a laugh and I don’t have to explain what I really do.

Having said all of that, remember this: computer people do not like to be called at 3 am with a computer question. When your television goes out, we don’t know why or how to fix it. And when you submit an issue with your computer or a program, understand that it sometimes takes time to figure out the problem and we’ll get back with you with an answer.

For tonight though, I wish you problemless computing, patience when you don’t believe you have any left, and an understanding of the human condition. We can inspire each other only when we work together.

Goodnight my friends!

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