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Archive for the ‘Uniquely Me’ Category

And I will Write…

Once upon a time I use to write.

I wrote letters to people my own age in foreign countries. I wrote letters to relatives in other states. I wrote journal entry after journal entry. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.

I wrote to make the day better, or get through a day I thought would never end. I wrote because I was happy, or mad, or sad, or because I just didn’t understand. Writing made sense. Writing made the world make sense.

Then….I stopped writing. I lost my love of words, and books, and poetry, and…lost a piece of myself in the noise of the world. That never ending noise of be this, do this, act this way, talk this way, use this product, believe this belief, dress this way, do your hair this way, this matters but not this… the endless noise of mindlessness.

It hit me when I was young. I saw it first in speech class. The teacher telling me I’d never be a writer because I couldn’t stand before a crowd of rambunctious teenagers and speak. What writing had to do with public speaking I’ve yet to reconcile in logic. I still have a lot to learn about writing, and public speaking, but neither have ever stopped me from writing.

Depression. Now that has stopped me from writing. It has stopped me from so much. Enslaved my mind and body in endless darkness, while setting my imagination in flight with what could be…if only…and then crushing it deeper with fear and dread. You raise your head, gasp for air, only to find a depth of despair you never knew existed.

And still, I write…

Not often. Not like I use to. Maybe a note. Maybe a scribble. But I write. No matter the darkness within me. No matter how deep the hopelessness drags me. I fight, and write, and trudge on.

They have a name for what ails me. They always have a name. Bi-polar 2. What a name… Why name it such a boring thing? Bi-polar 2. All I can think is Polar Express, but I expect no Christmas train comes with this disastrous label. No bells and whistles, but maybe… demons and broken angel wings. I’m sure I’ve seen both in my darkest hours.

And still, I write….

There are nights…like tonight… I question the sanity of it all. Why do we all fight so hard for our labels? I am a certifiably eclectic, sometimes erratic, frayed walking catastrophe. I’ll proudly wear that label. It gets to the heart of who I am. No other sociologically acceptable label does. Yet so many will fight for the label society hands them. There in lies true madness.

And still, I write….

I am finding my missing link. The part of me who wrote for the love of writing. I see her in the distance. She waves now and then. I think she misses me as much as I miss her.

And so I will write…

I will write the story as the story reveals itself. I will write this moment, because this moment is precious. I will write my ups, and downs. Even when the downs out number the ups. I will write my hero’s, for they are many, and are worthy of being immortalized. I will write the truth within my soul, even at its darkest.

Because, I will write…

No matter where the words shall lead me. They are the one absolute I can trust in a world of ever changing rules, and labels. Even in silence there are words. Silence screams, and darkness listens. I find comfort and fear in both. Knowing this, I thank whatever gods may be…for my unconquerable soul. I AM the master of my fate…. and I will write!

Invictus

By William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.

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sheep
Okay so….who would like to hear me preach?

I’m betting the number isn’t very high. Nor, do I believe there are many people who know I could.

You know, you get ordained, you find a church, you start preaching, and praising, and … well, being what you’re meant to. Unless…you can’t picture yourself standing in front of people preaching ‘at’ them. That part just never made sense to me. I’d rather understand ‘with’ them.

I don’t think religion should ever be one sided. Nor do I believe it should be closed minded. It is probably why I struggle with it constantly!! I went to learn. To understand. To make sense of what didn’t make sense to me. The more I read, and learned, and researched…the less defined religion appealed to me.

People are not dumb sheep, which need to be lead. They’re smart. They question. They need something more than one person standing in front of them telling them,” This is the way it is, and only this way is right!!” Sheep, meet staff, not Shepherd.

People don’t go to church to be held hostage. In fact, most people don’t like to go to church.  (I am sooo going to get negative emails for that statement.) They simply go because other people will be there. It is either to keep up pretenses, or they have a message for, package for, note for someone who is going to be there. Very rarely will you hear someone say, honestly, that they learned something new from the sermon. Something, they can apply to life today. We are being honest here, right?

We’re so stuck in the past. On a book written by men, put together by council vote, and truly defined by one man who was afraid his teachers beliefs would be lost forever. We rarely consider what was really going on during the time the bible was piecemealed together. 

It was a time of seers, mystics, prophets, and magic. Yet, how many modern Christians would throw a fit if you even suggested such a thing? Most of them.

There is this delusion that the time of apostles, and Jesus, was a sacred time. Bad things didn’t happen. At least until Jesus was crucified. People use the book for guidance, but I can do the same thing with a deck of cards. Does that make the creator of the card deck god-like? Perhaps.

The one piece of the bible people constantly preach is you have to believe in Jesus to get to heaven. It is not what he preached though. Not if you truly read the words. It is our choices, and our actions, which get us there.

We have a lot to learn. It is why we are here. To learn. To help others. To show compassion. To be better than ourselves. We lose sight of that so very easily. We get so stuck in our own little worlds. Locked in our own “Poor me, life is so hard. Life hates me. Poor, Poor, me” lives. We forget…it is NOT about us. It is about others.

Maybe, that is what I have forgotten. Maybe I am supposed to preach, to lead. It is fear that keeps me from it. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. The fear of being completely wrong. Failure. There is the name of my fear; pure failure. Yet, isn’t this where one should have the most faith?

Perhaps, the two things I need to learn right now consist of this: 1. Everything you do should be to help others, and 2. Faith is the first step.

My faith will never be in the Nicene Creed. It will, however, be in truth, honesty, perspective, and people. Tomorrow may lead me to exactly where I need to be. Today, I will do my best to work on the two things I need to learn.

So, for today, I wish you a place to gather and commune that brings you peace, joy, and true faith. I wish you the truth, and the drive to not just be sheep. The choice is always yours. Learn what you can about the choice you’re making. Faith will do the rest. And never doubt , one person can, and will make a difference.

Goodnight my friends.

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Experimental Adventure

 

I’m starting a new adventure!

I like thinking of the things I do as an adventure. Some how, it adds a bit of magic to the sometimes mundane. I mean really….what is the fun of saying, “I’m starting a new diet” or, “I’m trying a new hair color” or, “I’m going to buy a new outfit.” None of it sounds as much fun as, “I’m starting a new adventure!”

Maybe I watched Alice in Wonderland to many times, or maybe I read to many NLP books. It could be psychology classes too, or it could be Dr. Masaru Emoto’s Water Experiment. Whatever it is…I would rather see life as an Adventure then something to just survive.

So…what is my new adventure. Well, I’m calling it ‘The Diet Experiment.’ I’m going to develop new habits, and a new outlook. And, I’m going to have all of you hold me accountable. So, what are my goals for this little adventure? They’re simple.

1. Eat Healthier!
2. Drink more Tea and Water, then Coffee and Soda – this one is going to be tough!
3. Exercise Regularly – and no, playing with the critters doesn’t count!
4. Lose 5 pounds before the end of September.
5. Write a blog post a day!

Some of it, is not going to be easy! Writing everyday is a challenge. I don’t always have a brillant idea hanging around, or witty commentary. Exercising is going to be a little bit easier. There is tons to do around the house right now, and any activity can be turned in to a workout. I also have an exercise bike I love….I hate the seat though! So, I’ll have to work on the seat before I’ll incorporate it. I’m going to have to break down and buy an actual bike. I love to go bike riding, and we have so many paths around here.

The problem with any great adventure is you never know what the future holds. Around any corner could be speed bumps, furry monsters, or disappearing cats. Yet, the adventure itself, the unknown, holds so many possibilities! I’m a HUGE fan of possibilities!

So many times, I think we lose our sense of ‘possible.’ It gets lost in the rush of the work day, the stress of appointment calendar, and outlandish disappointment. I’ve sat back and seen the ‘impossible’ grow to monster size. Giving in to the easy way out, and fear. The “because” always stops me in my tracks. You know what I mean? It is that…”I believe what I believe because…..”, or the “I do what I do because…..” I can’t always answer the “because”.

The biggest because I have to answer is….”I am the way I am because….” It’s taking that step into the darkness. The one place we often don’t want to go…inside our own minds. It is holding myself accountable for gaining the weight, not exercising, not eating healthy, not writing daily.

This is MY Adventure! I have a choice. Am I going to enjoy it, survive it, or just live with things the way they are..? My choice? I am going to enjoy every single, joyous, moment! Let the adventure begin!

For today, I wish you great adventures filled with all the magic, laughter, and joy you deserve. Today is the day to stop just surviving, and really start living! Don’t let the fear of the unknown hold you in its grip any longer. Your life is yours. Take it back, and venture on!!

Goodnight my friends!

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Ever try hiding under your desk, pretending to be a dust bunny? Didn’t work for you either did it?

All day the immortal words of Ben Folds has been running through my mind….

“Follow me into the great unknown
Where pink flamingos grow
Diet soda flows and what you take
Magically regenerates
All supermarket shelves
The ovens clean themselves…..”

I think my lack of sleep last night has finally driven me crazy. I know it finally drove me to drink…Fruit Punch anyone?

I can’t seem to curb the mischevious streak that seems to be running through my head. I can’t seem to concentrate long enough to write a valid sentence either. The more jumbled the words the more my mind understands them.

Maybe work has finally fried my mind? The lack of stress may be getting to me…. Did you catch that? LACK OF stress….not extreme abundance of…lack of…. Never thought I’d have to distingish between the two. I also never thought there was such as thing as being under-stressed. Is that even a valid word?

I’m not good at slow. Lately everything seems to be going in slow motion. The days last forever, until I get home. Why is it weekends and evenings go by so fast but the week days drag on FOREVER?!?! I’ve always wondered but have been afraid I’d figure out the answer; so I never asked. I’m hoping the answer doesn’t swoop in and surprise me now. I don’t think I could take an answer of any type at the moment.

I’m still trying to pretend to be a dust bunny under my desk – or behind my computer monitors. It all depends on my mood. I have a theory about these dust bunnies, other then they have a world all their own they never invite me too. My theory goes something like this:

The dust bunnies under my desk are trying to hide from reality. The dark is their escape from the pressures of the world. They’ve learned it is easier to slink quietly away and pretend the real world doesn’t exist. Otherwise, they’d be caught in the hustle, and not so bustle, of the droning work week. Excuse my derogatory comment about work there, I’m not a fan of days that drone on and on and on and… you get the picture. I’m convinced the dust bunnies under my desk aren’t good at them either, hence the comment.

I’m also convinced the dust bunnies under my desk are eternal geeks. I mean seriously, have you ever truly seen a geek in the sunlight? I didn’t think so! They’re as rare as the mysterious vampire, and probably just as scary. I can see all these dust bunnies sitting in front of monitor screens hacking away at some random code. They’re chugging down Dust Bunny Red Bull and chewing caffiene laden gum.

As for the dust bunnies behind my monitors. They adore work, and being busy, and love life, and the daily adventure it provides. They’re social, and eclectic, and a bit “off”, if you know what I mean. They come with sunshiney personalities which will drive you to drink if forced to spend to much time with them. They remember everyone’s birthday, and anniversary, and send thank you cards, and buy presents, and are well organized, and….completely annoying.

The dust bunnies under my desk are the type of dust bunnies every dusty wishes they could be, until they realize their is a psychosis that goes along with this type of dusty. (I’ll never look at a person named Dusty the same again….) I’m convinced these dusties have Cathisophobia. They can’t sit down, ever. They constantly have to be going, moving, talking, thinking, getting into everyones lives. That’s why they’re behind my monitors – they have to know everything!

That’s sort of a creepy prospect when you think about. Technically I’m being stalked by dust bunnies who live behind my monitor! I’ve been stalked by people but never dust bunnies. Is there a restraining order for dust bunnies? I wonder if there is even a legal president for such a thing. I feel research coming on!

If contemplating a dust bunny phobia and stalker issues isn’t enough for my warped mind. The mischevious streak I’ve had is becoming an epidemic. I’d fill you in all the escapeds of late but…. I never put such things into writing. I can just see the blackmail letters rolling in now…. “I can’t believe you did such-and-such to so-and-so. It was completely hilarious, but now you’ll have to give me 50 lbs of chocolate to keep quiet!”

I’m not sure anyone could eat 50 lbs of chocolate in a reasonable amout of time, but then what do I know. I’m the one with the phobia of polka dotted ducks welding rabid tree frogs, and am convinced I’m being stalked by dust bunnies behind my monitor.

And on that note… I’ll wish you day dreams to smile about, dust bunnies with attitude, and a child like wonder and imagination that never ends or gets boring. Life is to short to take serious all the time. Take the time to think creatively, even if for just a moment. You’ll never see the world the same again!

Have a great night my friends!

“But, if you have nothing at all to create, then perhaps you create yourself.”

~Carl Gustav Jung~

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Wilder Things in Life!

I haven’t posted for a while – it’s a wonder I remembered my username and password! Work consumed me but the implementation is over, finally! I’d celebrate but it would be short lived. The next project has already started…and so has the stress.

What has amazed me though is work so consumed me I’ve failed to tell everyone the great news. The store is almost ready! Yes, I said store. In the midst of the project at work I’ve been working, with the fantastic help of my room-mate, to stock a store I’ve always wanted to own. A store where natural items are the norm, not the special order.

We’ve blended teas, and taste tested them all…YUM!!! We have soothing oils, natural remedies, candles for relaxation, books and oils and…. I’m truly excited!!! We came up with the idea when we saw a need within the community. We will be working on getting grants, and saving the money to open a physical store front. But for now, online, word of mouth, and consignment at a local store will suffice.

It will be a lot of work! We do everything by hand. From the mixing to the packaging. Once spring hits, we’ll be doing more of our own growing as well! We want to be different. We don’t want to be just a place you go to buy items. We want to involve people in the process. We’ve thought about providing the herbs and tin, and letting people blend their own tea. I don’t know how it would go over though?

I’d love to see people learning about the ingredients in their tea. How certain herbs can actually help the body heal. How to create poltices to reduce the appearance of scars, or to help a wound heal faster. How to mix a tea that will help you sleep, or reduce stress in the muscles.

I’ve always believed if people knew what they were putting in their bodies, and how it affected them, they’d make smarter choices. If we simply hand them what they need, there is no promise they’ll use it. So, what if we teach them and allow them to choose? What do you think? Silly idea? Perhaps, but I’d be willing to try.

I don’t want to be rich – that’s not the point of the store. It would be nice but it is not the main goal. I want to be different….and yet, wholely myself (for once). I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer though. Perhaps I’m dreaming now. The great thing about dreams though…is sometimes, if you believe in them enough, they really do come true.

Plus, if it doesn’t work, I will always have the stress of a job I love. I’ll hold out hope for the co-workers who seem lost, celebrate the ones who celebrate life, admire the ones who continually amaze me, and be thankful for the group of wonderful people I’m lucky enough to work with…. life doesn’t get much better.

So, Wilder Things opens the doors the weekend of February 19th and with a little faith, and a bit of magic, the doors will never close.

I wish you all dreams acheived, new dreams discovered, hope that never runs dry, and the courage to be authentic. We weren’t meant to live in a rut or put our dreams, and ourselves, aside just so we don’t rock the boat. If we let the boat follow its own course we will never have the great adventures we’e meant to. Always aim for the Wilder Things in life!!

Goodnight my friends!

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Evil in Indifference

I didn’t decorate for the holidays. I didn’t find the holiday spirit. I bought presents with little thought of whether they’d bring joy or quizzical looks. (I think I saw more of the second then the first…) I didn’t listen to Christmas carols or fight my usual battle of the futility of our nature during Christmas.

I neglected rants I’d usually spout. Opting instead for silence and indifference. How sad it is when I am over taken by indifference. The one quote I’ve always believed to be the truest is:

Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil.

Perhaps evil has overtaken me this year and I have yet developed the desire to escape? I’ve contemplated this for the past few days. I’ve come to no conclusions.

If you follow science and the bodies need for sunshine – I have to wonder if perhaps the overabundance of darkness has something to do with my mood? I go to work in the dark and go home in the dark. I see daylight maybe once every two weeks or so. Not what I would consider a beneficial situation. Then again….I’m a night owl by nature. I love the dark, crave it. So, in part, I write that theory off as being obsured.

I consider stress…briefly. I’ve been stressed for months due a project at work. How can one not stress over a large project that so much is riding on? But, the stress I’ve felt has decreased to a manageable level – now that I know I haven’t completely screwed up. Yes, the stress of a work-a-holic who hates to make mistakes can be extremely stressful. I still worry but my part is largely done.

Maybe, and this again is theory. Maybe, I just don’t like the holiday’s any more. They’re busy, frustrating, stressful, idiotic, filled with selfishness and dishonesty. They are rarely what they were meant to be any more.

I wonder…if maybe… I start this year with a goal of being joyful, happy, merry, and filled with a child like awe by Christmas next year. Would it work? What steps would I take? A problem to ponder! I do so love a good problem.

For now, I wish you child like amazement at simple things. The wonder of the true Christmas Spirit, and a real understanding of what the holiday’s really standy for behind the glitz. We are meant for more then throwing away our money on frivolity. We simply need to remember…

Goodnight my friends!

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Are You Ready??

“When witches go riding,
and black cats are seen,
the moon laughs and whispers,
‘tis near Halloween.”

~Author Unknown~

A great thing has happened over the last few weeks. It has swept the country and surprised the natives. I’m extremely excited and can’t contain my growing anticipation. What is this great thing? You’ll never guess!!

Stores have begun putting out Halloween decorations!! I adore Halloween! It is the best time of the year. Christmas is great but far to commercial – it’s become a marketing/ buying/ shopping/ wanting/ needing/ depressing holiday. I don’t even bother to put up a Christmas tree any more. People have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas…. But, I’m not going to get on that soap box today.

Today, we’re talking Halloween! I remember dressing up in plastic outfits, wearing plastic masks you could barely see through, and tripping over the ground…repeatedly. I remember my folks driving to neighbor houses so I could go trick-or-treating. Considering we lived in the middle of no where and our closest neighbor was two miles away… it was a bit of an ordeal to go trick-or-treating.

I’ll never forget it, which is why every year, I look foreward to the spooky holiday. Think about it, for one whole day, you can be anyone, or anything you want! You can be Count Spookula who only wears spatula’s on his cape. Or, Countess Creepula who’s convinced fancy frocks are for sissy’s and will only wear leather and lace.

Maybe you’d prefer Zombulicka who has an unexplainable fear of tongues, and can be seen running in fright if you stick yours out at him. My favorite is Spiderella. She’ll never lose a glass slipper even though it’s hard to keep track of four pairs. Just never ask her to clean house – it could become a sticky situation for you.

Personally I prefer to go as Witchy Wen. She’s a little eccentric and often poorly dressed. However, her cauldron is never empty and her cackle is worse than her bite. You won’t catch her if fashionable black. She prefers vibrant reds. She says they give her energy. Who am I to argue?

I believe last year I posted a post on costume ideas. I may have to dig up that old post and see if there’s anything I can add this year. The best place to find costumes is in lateral thinking! Never be a cliche’ when you can be original!

“If human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween.”

~Doug Coupland~

On that note… I wish everyone a child like enjoyment of costumes and creativity, a reason to celebrate the spooktacular, and the knowledge that at any time you can be anyone you wish…if only you dare!

Goodnight my friends!

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