Escaping Thankfully

In a time of Thanksgiving, and Holiday Cheer – I have to stop, and force myself to find reasons to be Thankful. I’m struggling with this right now. I am usually optimist. I can find the silver lining in any situation. It is a bit disconcerting to me to be stymied by reasons to give Thanks.

It may be that I see Thanks as something very personal. Silver linings are shared, and often being pointed out to others. Everything is easier when done for others. I spend a lot of time up lifting others, helping others, and trying to inspire (even if just in small ways). I sound a bit narcissistic saying that, I know.

It is far easier to put effort in to others, then it is to take a hard look at your own life. Over my many years I have often taken a look at my life. I believe in living authentically, and tend to preach far too much on the concept. The problem is, over the last year or more, I have stopped living truly authentically.

I have no doubt the lapse in my authenticity has caused many of my current problems.  I’ve given up the battles. I’ve stepped aside and let others dictate my actions. I’ve become the depressed, frustrated, and reclusive person I was years ago. I despised that person. I fought hard to change that person. And yet, here she is again.

I don’t hate my life. Not the way people in my situation would normally. There are a lot of things I love about my life. I love my job, for the most part. We all have bad days, challenging co-workers, and a loss of faith. I love that I have a home to go to every night, good friends, entertaining critters, and the courage to follow my beliefs.

These are things I should be thankful for – I should be. Many people don’t have a job, let alone one they can be frustrated with, or lose faith in. There are people who don’t have friends or a roof over their head. There are lonely people who would love to be in a relationship, and even people who would love to have a pet.

I think there is a part of me which is thankful. However, I think there is a larger part of me which would be happier in seclusion on an island. Away from technology, office politics, relationships of any kind, and the mundane drone of everyday life.

While I relish the thought of escape I know it would be the simple way out. It is such a tempting idea. I sometimes wish I was the type of person who gave in to temptation.  The fighter in me however…. Can never let things go down the easy road.

So…here is my dilemma. I need to find my thankfulness.  I need to find that one, earth shattering, eye opening, all inclusive reason to be thankful. Until I do, I will work on finding my authenticity again. Part of me got lost somewhere, and it is time to get it back. I know it will involve some changes. I know some of those changes will be welcomed, others…not so welcome.

For now though….I wish you true authenticity. The ability to know yourself, your fears, your dreams, your thankfulness, and never doubt any of it. May your holiday’s sparkle with all the glitter and gold every smile and laugh can offer. It is a time to be thankful, and to remember the greatest thing about ourselves – our ability to overcome when all faith is gone.

Goodnight my friends, and Happy Holidays!

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