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Learning to Lose

There is this great idea sweeping the nation. The reason the idea is so great is because… well… we’re all unhealthy. The idea? Oh, weight loss of course!

It is a great idea. If you can do something to work toward being healthier more power to you! Just don’t get stuck on the idea of looking like a movie star you see on TV, or a model, or someone you’ve seen in a magazine.

If you are plus size now, don’t disillusion yourself. Weight loss will not solve all of your problems. That is the biggest lie we’ve been sold. Working to be healthy is smart. Deciding to lose weight because, ‘it will solve everything!’, is a mistake to many make. It is usually what causes a person to gain back all the weight they lose.

Let me put it to you this way. I started a weight loss journey five months ago. It has been an eye opening journey. I started it out of frustration. I was tired. Tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin; tired of worrying about a dozen things every time I went somewhere. I worried about whether chairs would break if I sat on them. I worried about being around people, and walking through crowds. I worried about what people thought if I ate something in public. I could see the thoughts, and I was tired….

Being ‘plus size’ is exhausting! The looks, the stares, the comments, the comments when people think you are not within hearing range… you can learn to live with those. You even feel sorry for the people giving you the looks and making the comments. They live a sheltered life. They have been ‘protected’ from being larger. They have not had to experience the embarrassment, or true, deep, unending, disappointment.

There is only one way to fight anything that makes you uncomfortable – knowledge. So, after trying diets, fad diets, different doctors and their not so brilliant answers. I finally did what I should have done. I went for the science. I found a doctor who didn’t just shove pills at you, or hand you off to a dietician. She introduced me to the science behind weight gain. The science behind why so many of us are losing the battle of the bulge.

Our own bodies are our worst enemies. They are built to store fat. That is what their sole purpose is at times. When we lived in caves and food was scarce. Our bodies stored everything it could so we could survive. Now, with an abundance of food, it is still storing.

Don’t get me wrong. What we eat matters. Eating McDonald’s every night is not going to cause weight loss. Although those warm, golden fries are hard to resist! We have to learn a tasty but healthy alternative. As with most things, WE, is the keyword. We have to make a choice. And it won’t be an easy one.

I made that choice 5 months ago. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I know the science behind it. It is what my mind needed to change. The thing is though…

They show these weight loss shows on TV where people drop hundreds of pounds in a year, or less. The people on these shows are always smiling, happy; life is perfect, after the weight loss. They don’t show reality though. This is what I have been learning through my journey.

In the beginning it was easy. Nothing really changed. Drop twenty pounds; go down a pant size, no big deal. When you start dropping 40-50 pounds things change. The shoes you use to wear are now too large. You have to invest in a new wardrobe. Your face changes. Your body changes. Suddenly your skin is saggy. Along with all of your under garments. Let me tell you, that is not pleasant on either level.

Those fantastic weight loss shows don’t show how your daily showering routine changes. You’re suddenly using cotton balls and rubbing alcohol to clean the places the excess skin hangs. If that isn’t a sexy, appealing image for the fairy tale ending!

Your body has to relearn how to walk and move skinny. After years of being plus size, your body has adjusted to the extra weight. The same is true once you lose it. Your mind also has to adjust. You can suddenly fit into places you couldn’t before…and you have to remember this!

People also start looking at you differently, and treating you differently. Granted, this may have something to do with your growing confidence. I use to scoff at the idea that people treated you differently because of your size. It was finally driven home recently. I’m still having a hard time coming to terms with it. There is a big part of me that is angry at the injustice of it. Then…

I caught myself doing it. Walking to the break room at work – I noticed a plus size person filling a plate of food to the top. Before I could stop myself, the thought of, “Should they really be eating all of that?,” flew through my mind. I stopped midstride, and felt like a complete, and total as..terisk! It was as if everything I’ve been through didn’t matter. I was one of THOSE people. The judgmental, bullying, type of people who drive me nuts!

Through this journey I’ve learned many things about myself. I’ve learned I’m an emotional eater. No surprise there! What did surprise me though is I turn to food more when I’m sad than any other time. I also turn to it when I’m in pain. I’ve had to find new ways to handle those emotions. I’m still working on it, but at least now I know my triggers.

I’ve also learned I hate clothes shopping. I don’t care about fashion. I truly am a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal. My closet will never be filled with the latest and greatest fashion trends. I will always be years out of style. I’m okay with the basic black dress for the rare occasions that I wear one. I’m okay with a dressy shirt and comfortable dress pants when I need to dress business casual. Just don’t expect me to be fashion conscious. Clothes really are just another way we can judge people.

So, what have I really learned though it all? Hhhmmm… Well. No matter what we change on the outside. No matter how bad we may want the fairytale. The beauty, prince charming, the perfect body, the world! We’re always going to have the grandest thing of all – our individuality! We will always be uniquely ourselves. Our body will always be ours – not perfect, not always comfortable, not always what we picture, but ours. Beatifully, and uniquely ours. Once we realize that…the world is ours.

So…for today I wish your realizations that change your heart and your mind. Beauty that is solely yours, and a life created around your inspiration. Today is just a moment. Yesterday is just a second. Tomorrow is everything your make of it. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the best tomorrow ever!

Goodnight my friends!

Complex Ponderings

Life is complicated!

When I was a teenager, life wasn’t all that complicated. You got up, went to school, had a crush on the cutest boy in school (we had a few!), hung out with your friends, and tried not to do anything socially embarrassing. Simple! Granted, I wasn’t your normal teenager – I preferred a guy’s car to the guy himself. What can I say, cars are sexy! Especially Mustangs, GTO’s, Corvettes, old Chevys and Buicks, and….. the list gets longer the older I get.

Then, I became an adult. I’m not sure when it happened. It didn’t have anything to do with a specific birthday. I didn’t blow out the candles on my birthday cake and suddenly, “BANG!” become an adult. It would have been easier if it would have worked that way….I never would have blown out the candles!

Nope, I suddenly realized one day I’d became an adult. The sky got a little darker, and the world a little heavier. You don’t wake up one day and realize you’re an adult. You have it hit you like a ton of bricks. It is usually tied to a negative event in your life. Death, divorce, realizing your kids have grown up and no longer need you daily. It is overcast with a sadness.

Simple things don’t make you an adult – paying a bill over hitting the bar. Getting the oil changed instead of buying the new pair of shoes you’ve been eyeing for weeks. These are not adult inspiring moments. You learn, at a young age, that money matters and bills come first.

Cleaning house instead of hanging out with friends – still not an adult inspiring. You have a choice; either clean the house or live in a pig sty. Personally, most of us would choose clean. We just wish someone else would do the work. That’s another thing, getting a job; still not adult inspiring. Many kids have jobs – clean their room, take out the trash, pick up their mess. It is part of life.

The adult realization moments come with a jolt. They come when your son is 18 and moves out of the house…and on his own…. and you suddenly realize you needed him more then he probably needed you. It happens when your favoritest uncle in the world passes away…and you realize all the things you loved about him are gone. There is no more furry beard and Harley motorcycle lover in your life. Not ones who triggers fond smiles and memories of laughter. The noise and wildness is gone. Others can try to duplicate it, but it will never be the same.

Being an adult isn’t about acting mature. That’s just part of growing up. Being an adult is about facing those events in your life that you try desperately to believe will never happen. You know they’re going to happen. You know you can’t stop them from happening. You just never want to believe they’ll happen to you. But they do happen….and when they do…when you are knee deep in the worst of it. That is when you are an adult.

Life is complicated! Only because we spend our lives trying to live up to our age ‘category.’ You’re either an infant, toddler, child, tween, teenager, young adult, adult, or elderly. Yet through it all…you never feel any older than a teenager. It is the moments which age you. The moments which define you.

I’m no longer an adult. I’ve decided I’m going to be a youngster who has adult moments. I’ll react as an adult in situations which require it. Outside of those situations though. I am going to live life in a manner which includes laughter. Lots, and lots, and lots of laughter! Life is far too short to be serious all the time.

So, for today, I wish you realizations steeped in an ever widening circle of silly. Where clowns scare no one, and silly noses inspire boughts of fitful laughter. And the dreams you had at 10, or 20, or 30, still guide you to be, and do, what you have always wanted to do. And the life you live is truly your own. Adult-ism be darned!

Goodnight my friends!

sheep
Okay so….who would like to hear me preach?

I’m betting the number isn’t very high. Nor, do I believe there are many people who know I could.

You know, you get ordained, you find a church, you start preaching, and praising, and … well, being what you’re meant to. Unless…you can’t picture yourself standing in front of people preaching ‘at’ them. That part just never made sense to me. I’d rather understand ‘with’ them.

I don’t think religion should ever be one sided. Nor do I believe it should be closed minded. It is probably why I struggle with it constantly!! I went to learn. To understand. To make sense of what didn’t make sense to me. The more I read, and learned, and researched…the less defined religion appealed to me.

People are not dumb sheep, which need to be lead. They’re smart. They question. They need something more than one person standing in front of them telling them,” This is the way it is, and only this way is right!!” Sheep, meet staff, not Shepherd.

People don’t go to church to be held hostage. In fact, most people don’t like to go to church.  (I am sooo going to get negative emails for that statement.) They simply go because other people will be there. It is either to keep up pretenses, or they have a message for, package for, note for someone who is going to be there. Very rarely will you hear someone say, honestly, that they learned something new from the sermon. Something, they can apply to life today. We are being honest here, right?

We’re so stuck in the past. On a book written by men, put together by council vote, and truly defined by one man who was afraid his teachers beliefs would be lost forever. We rarely consider what was really going on during the time the bible was piecemealed together. 

It was a time of seers, mystics, prophets, and magic. Yet, how many modern Christians would throw a fit if you even suggested such a thing? Most of them.

There is this delusion that the time of apostles, and Jesus, was a sacred time. Bad things didn’t happen. At least until Jesus was crucified. People use the book for guidance, but I can do the same thing with a deck of cards. Does that make the creator of the card deck god-like? Perhaps.

The one piece of the bible people constantly preach is you have to believe in Jesus to get to heaven. It is not what he preached though. Not if you truly read the words. It is our choices, and our actions, which get us there.

We have a lot to learn. It is why we are here. To learn. To help others. To show compassion. To be better than ourselves. We lose sight of that so very easily. We get so stuck in our own little worlds. Locked in our own “Poor me, life is so hard. Life hates me. Poor, Poor, me” lives. We forget…it is NOT about us. It is about others.

Maybe, that is what I have forgotten. Maybe I am supposed to preach, to lead. It is fear that keeps me from it. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. The fear of being completely wrong. Failure. There is the name of my fear; pure failure. Yet, isn’t this where one should have the most faith?

Perhaps, the two things I need to learn right now consist of this: 1. Everything you do should be to help others, and 2. Faith is the first step.

My faith will never be in the Nicene Creed. It will, however, be in truth, honesty, perspective, and people. Tomorrow may lead me to exactly where I need to be. Today, I will do my best to work on the two things I need to learn.

So, for today, I wish you a place to gather and commune that brings you peace, joy, and true faith. I wish you the truth, and the drive to not just be sheep. The choice is always yours. Learn what you can about the choice you’re making. Faith will do the rest. And never doubt , one person can, and will make a difference.

Goodnight my friends.

Pretty Petty Pickings

cartoon-pointing

So….

                I’ve been thinking about this whole gay marriage thing. And seriously, who cares!? There are bigger issues in the world we should be concentrating on. Does allowing two men, or two women, to marry feed the hungry? No! Does it help care for the homeless? No! Does it prevent war, or educate our children? No! Then seriously, who cares?!?!

                We’ve become a civilization of persnickety bigots. We are so busy focusing on what our neighbor is doing. We forget what we should be doing. We’re tilting at windmills, when we should be caring for our country and fellow countrymen.

                Do I think two men, or two women, should be allowed to marry? I can’t think of a logical, valid reason they shouldn’t be allowed to. So, yes. To say no, is just petty. Petty, petty, PETTY! As for Christians and their, “God Says!!” God says, “Love they neighbor!” The bible teaches tolerance, love, acceptance, and respect.  Christians who use the bible to spread hatred, pain, and discontent have never truly read the bible.

                If they had read the bible they would have read Ezekial 16:48-49: “This is the sin of Sodom; she and her suburbs had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not help or encourage the poor and needy.” Jesus says nothing about same-sex behavior. The Jewish prophets are silent about homosexuality. Only six or seven of the Bible’s one million verses refer to same-sex behavior in any way – and none of those verses refer to homosexual orientation as it is understood today.

                And apparently, people forget the one main theme throughout the bible: Jesus helped everyone! He treated everyone as equals. Told his disciples “…and the least among you, shall be the greatest.” Yet…what do we do these days? We hold up movie stars, sports figures, the wealthy, etc. as the greatest. We tear down, ignore, torment, mistreat, hide from, and otherwise cause harm to the least of us.

                This world we live in frustrates me to no end. We’ve let pettiness and false righteousness over take our decision making. Let’s tear someone down, instead of raise them up. Let’s condemn them for their choices, because they aren’t ours. Let’s turn our backs on those in need, because it is easier to look away, or hide them away, then to expend the energy to extend a hand.

                We need to smack people upside the head until their hearts kick back in. We’re losing our humanity, and wasting time spreading hatred. This is not the world I want to live in. It is not the world I want my kids, my grandkids, growing up in!

                I’ll end my rant on this note. Don’t blindly follow. You are far too intelligent, and far to special, to just blindly follow. Let your heart rule your mind, and actions. And never forget..EVERYONE is fighting some battle.

                So, for today, I’ll wish you peace, understanding, love, and quiet realization. Our value is only as great as the value we place on our fellow man. When we stop loving him, we stop loving ourselves. We falter, fall, and never find a way back up. This life isn’t about what we can get out of it. It is about what we give.  Today. Tomorrow. Everyday.

Goodnight my friends!

Flaw

Here is today’s dilemma – I’m tired!

 I’m tired of the news. I’m tired of the Newspaper. I’m tired of celebrities making fools of us. I’m tired of sports ‘heroes’ shirking their duties as heroes.  I’m tired of hearing about soldiers coming home and being treated worse here then they were in war. I’m tired of hearing about any animal being hurt or mistreated because someone put more value on the all mighty dollar then on life. I’m tired of hearing about the values we supposedly hold so dear being trampled in the dust. I’m tired of society sitting idly by while it all happens.

 We open our mouths to complain but, we remain firmly seated on our keesters. It is so easy to sit safely behind closed doors and point out what is wrong with the world.  We hold tightly to the crowd mentality; it is someone else’s job! Haven’t we noticed? The crowd is idle too!

 When will we learn! One person. One single, solitary person can and will make a difference. We just have to be brave enough to try. I’ll admit, right now, my bravery has run off with my common sense. I have my days where I stand by and watch. Where stepping forward and saying something, anything, scares me to death. But…while I may not be brave enough to take on the larger fights, I can still take on the smaller ones. I’ll work my way up to the larger ones as I gain confidence.

 We all have to start somewhere. Recently, though, I’ve been pulled in one direction – to minister. It is not what I want to do. It has never been what I’ve planned to do. I only ended up ordained because I have a never ending desire to learn – everything! Plus, I wanted to make an educated choice in the spiritual path I chose.

 I can’t see myself standing before people guiding them in their beliefs…..or maybe I can. I love to teach. Whether or not I’m good at it, is another question all together. I have more brains then common sense most days. But still…..

 When everything points to standing up, and passing on values you hold dear. Do you hesitate, or give in to what may be fate? Ah, fate. In many ways I’m a believer. Yet, I can’t fight the nagging feeling which says fate is an illusion; another way to justify our actions to ourselves.

 Perhaps that is the answer. Maybe…that is why sports ‘heroes’ no longer choose to be the heroes. They believe that it was fate which lead them to greatness and in greatness they cannot fall. The same could be said of celebrities. How sad such a thought is though.  

 It is only when we help the least of us that we become great. The man who spends time teaching children, or rescuing animals, or building houses for the homeless; he is truly great. The woman who feeds the hungry, clothes the unclothed, and reads to children of the homeless. She is greater than any president, or ball player, or movie star. They are the ones who will change the world in remarkable ways.

 For today, I wish you rest from the weariness of societies bad choices. I wish you encounters with people of true greatness. And I wish you heroes who will never fall because they know greatness cannot be counted in dollars and cents.

 Goodnight my friends!

 I haven’t written in a while, let me catch you up on my wonderful world of weirdness.

First, work…ick! Now, I love my job. I get to be a geek, what’s not to love!?! I also get to be stressed, and worried, and lost in the Twilight Zone. I swear the weirdest things happen when you combine machines with people.

Anyway, we finished the last big project a year ago. Well, in theory we finished it a year ago. You never realize how many kinks are in a project until after it goes live. Then the real issues begin. Everything that was agreed upon suddenly isn’t what the client wanted. Anyone who works with software will understand exactly what I mean!

The client requests a tree swing. So, we make the tree swing, and twist, and work flawlessly. Then…. the client tells you that isn’t what they wanted. All they wanted was a tire, tied to a rope, attached to a branch in the tree. Suddenly all the bells and whistles don’t matter. The greatest inventions don’t matter if they don’t fit the need….which is probably why I NEED a year long vacation. Funny thing is, I’d go crazy if I actually got it.

Work expects us to get excited about new projects. Great! I’m excited!!! Just…..not really excited. It is hard to be excited when you know there is barely enough workers to go around now. Let alone with all the pending projects coming up. So, sure, I’ll get excited….to be more stressed, to attempt to get more done with less and less, to pull miracles out of our….hats, and do it all while smiling and celebrating.

I think our company needs to see a therapist, because it is slightly on the crazy side. Plus, I don’t think the company really sees the paddlers abandoning ship. If it keeps going on its set course, it is going to find itself stranded and surrounded by a real storm. Granted, this is from the perspective of a Monkey on a Keyboard – we don’t always see the grand picture from the top of the heap. Strange how we’re expected too though…

Expectations….now there’s a subject I can sink my teeth into. Especially lately.

My beautiful daughter is expecting her first baby. I’m excited, and scared, for her. Having children is such a wonderous thing. Yet, you go in thinking, “I can do this!!”, and leave thinking, “Oh my goodness!! What did I get myself into!”

You want the best for your children. You expect the best for your children. You expect the best from your children. Even more difficult though….you expect the best from yourself. You truly think you can do it….until the first time that baby cries and rocking, singing, feeding, changing,….doesn’t stop it.

Then you’re scared. You shush, pray, beg, walk, drive, rock, plead, walk, plead some more. Because you’re mom, or dad, and you’re supposed to have all the answers. And all the answers are supposed to be right. And you’re children are never supposed to cry, or hurt, or know fear, or get injured, or feel lost, or feel unloved, or question how much you really, truly, deeply love them. Even if they don’t understand.

And suddenly you realize, that innocent, beautiful child, isn’t there because you have all the answers. It is there to teach you to be a better person. Think about it for a minute….

Before the wiggling, screaming, smiling, beautiful little angel came into your life. What would you have given your life for?? What mattered, anywhere near as much, as the innocent infant who immediately stole your heart? Their health, their happiness, their safety, their whole world matters more then anything!

Then….one day….those beautiful angels are grown. On their own. Having their own children. And you’re scared for them, because you know they’re about to enter the toughest school they’ve ever known. And the cycle of life goes on….

My expectation of life falls short in many ways. As the years have marched on my expectations have changed. The one expectation that has never changed is: I expect to love my children, always. No matter how close we are, or aren’t. Whether we talk everyday, or once a month. Whether I agree with their choices, or disagree. I will always love them, as they are, no exceptions. Their courage, beauty, talent, fierceness, wonder, are only a few of the things which make me so very proud of them.

On that note…

I wish you all lessons you learn when you least expect it. Expectations which move your heart in a world that asks you to be excited by the mundane. And glorious wonder in the eyes of the innocent. Their lives, and belief in themselves, is far more valuable then all the gold in Fort Knox.

Goodnight My Friends.

Largest Details

 

 

I have semi-written rants….several of them! A couple about bullying, human nature, and the solution to all the worlds problems. I’ve solved everything from the rising crime rate, to the neighborhood bully, and his oblivious parents.

I write all these great things….in my head. If I could just get them typed in when I’m thinking about them. I would have more than one post in a blue moon. Speaking of which, enjoy the blue moon this month. There won’t be another one until July, 2015! And yes, I am easily distracted by shiny things. :)

Anyway, if I could carry a computer with me everywhere I go. And, have the time to stop and write when I get the inspiration…without interruption. You would never be able to keep up! There would always be more posts then time to read them. And, if you believe that, I have some great ocean front property for sale in Northern Nebraska.

In all honesty, there are times when I couldn’t write myself out of a paper sack. I have absolutely no inspiration. I lack words, drive, and time. Then there are times when I could write a novel, if I just had the time.

I start draft after draft of posts, and they sit there. Mainly because when I finally get back to them, I’ve forgotten what I wanted to say. I blame it on work but, honestly, it is pure laziness! Oh, that is hard to admit to!

Yes, I am lazy. That truly stings to admit. I didn’t use to be this way. I’m not sure when I changed, or even what changed me. I’ve tried analyzing it, to find the answer, and I’ve come up short.

It was a gradual thing…I think. I could probably blame the depression, or even the PTSD. I could….but, it feels like a cop-out. My depression and PTSD (and OCD, and Anxiety/Panic disorder), has inspired me to do so much! To be so much more then anyone expected me to be. Yet, here I am.

I’m left questioning. How can someone, who doctors told to file for disability because they’d never hold a job, go from that to where I am now? How do they ever consider themselves lazy, and doubt their abililty? Doubt is easy. I’ve learned that all to well over the years.

I doubt everyday! There are days I walk in to work and pray no one finds out I have no idea what I’m doing! No matter how much I know, or learn, or strive to know, I still feel like I know absolutely nothing. Everyone seems to be a step, or two, ahead of me. And of course, that drives me crazy. lol

There’s a switch inside me that some how got flipped, and I can’t find it to flip it back. I remember always being outside. I remember running all over the country side, hiking, riding horses, playing with animals, always going and going and going and… when did it stop? When did I stop?

I can’t pinpoint a day, or an event. I’ve racked my brain, and come up blank. It must have happened gradually. There is something odd about that thought. Things in my life don’t tend to happen gradually. They always happen with a flash, and a shock, and a surprise, and… anything but gradually. Or….

Maybe I see things in big events? Could that be it? Think about it. The news shows up everyday that these big events happen. They’re spectacular, and immediate, and always a sense of urgency. Work is the same way…rush, rush, rush, quick, quick, quick, then BANG!

You get married, have kids, get a new job… all big events. We don’t recount the days leading to the events. We recount the events themselves. Maybe that’s the problem? We’ve forgotten how to slow down and live moments. We rush and rush to live events. Then when we have a moment we waste it by being lazy. I know I’ve wasted a lot of moments that way.

I’ve been waiting for big events to signal changes. What I’ve missed though is all the little moments which are those changes. I need to slow my thinking. Go back to living the moments which matter. And, take those moments to write.

It is going to be a challenge, slowing down (the right way!). But…it is the only way I know to refind the me I’ve lost.

So, for today, I wish you millions of moments peppered with big events. In the smallest of moments we miss the largest details. Learn to slow down the right way, and refind the you you may have lost.

Goodnight my friends!

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